Yeah, well maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person... but baby I know.

When a relationship finishes It's pretty clear to each party whose The Dumpee and The Dumper. (No, I don't believe there's anything quite as simple as a mutual breakup. One person is always happier about it then the other.) Dumpee and Dumper go their separate ways, avoid social events the other may be at, (Unless they want to see each other) divide up their things and after months/years of tears, rebirth, rebounds and acceptance get back to normal life. However, when a Friendship breaks up things aren't so simple. Can you truly finish a great friendship or is their bound to be a backslide? 

It's only as I've grown older that I realised the true importance of great friends. I had great friends, and I've lost great friends and over time I've beat myself up for it.
Some people managed to stumble through life making best friends wherever they go, and somehow no matter how little they do, their friendships are still kept and appreciated. I however, am not one of those people. If I prioritize my time wrongly I usually lose a friend, yet its only later on that I realise what I've done.

When I was at school I had some pretty great friends, however when I left, I left them. At times I don't always remember why but I know there must of been a reason. I seem to get caught up in keeping my own head afloat that I forget to check up on those who may not be physically there but are still just as important. (Kinda like forgetting to text back when you've had a busy couple of days.)

In my opinion, a Friendship breakup is by far the worse, It's not like you can console in former boyfriends for kind words and confidence boosting compliments. No, only that friend could of done it!
This usually happens in one of two ways, (or on really outrageous circumstances both) for a number of reasons. 
The first:
·          Slow and steady, commonly known as the 'Faze out'.
The second:

·            Short and sudden, basically, a bit of a kick in the teeth although we shall call it 'The Cut'

(If you're wondering, both together would be to be fazed out and then broken up with.. Ouch!)

Either of these can happen for numerous reason; changes in career, relationship, location, circumstances, interests etc. etc... unless of course you betray a friend that's pretty explanatory why your not their friend anymore.

Now as far as I'm aware I've only suffered a faze out, but I know that I have given many people The Cut, mostly unaware I'm even doing it or usually because I'm too stubborn to bother trying with them anymore. Yes, I hate to admit it, I am extremely lazy when It comes to friendships... relationships alike, but that's a different story.
So as the years have gone on and the reality hit home that I know barely anything about the people I grew up with now I tried my hardest to attempt to get them back and rebuild the great friendships I had so foolishly let crumble.

Now luckily, two have (I think cautiously) let me back into their lives and only yesterday did I hear the real truth. "We haven't really seen you in two years though Jess" . 'Ouch, that hurt' I thought, but it was true. I hadn't intended to but I hadn't included them and although luckily It wasn't entirely my fault, (they hadn't included me) I realised it was most definitely me who had initiated it.
I understand it will take more than a few coffees for me to ever be thought of by them as I first was, and I doubt I'll ever be allowed back to their circles and back to the friends I first threw away but I'm hopeful one day I'll be forgiven.

There's a lot of people I'll probably never get back in my life, some who I truly miss, but that's just a reality I'll have to face. I think the biggest problem I had was the inability to forgive, and the confidence to apologize. If I could tell the younger me that one day that petty squabble your having now won't even be a faint memory in a few years time, I think I would of acted very differently.

So, like relationships, although the squabbles end and the possessions are distributed, you'll always remember why you feel in love with them in the first place. If your friends were as great as you remember they'll have to forgive you, because that's what good friends do and your differences will connect you once again.

I will continue to fight for my friends back because I realise now how silly it was to ever let them go, yet I know not all of them will welcome me with open arms. There's no such thing as a finished friendship until the fat lady sings... (Or they perform The Cut.)

Book Review.

Not so 'Lucky' Alice Sebold's autobiographical novel 'Lucky' is a memoir of Sebold's violent rape in University, illustrating the conviction and court case combined with a serious of comebacks and downfalls.
Set mainly at Syracuse University this book details Sebold's actions as a freshman student, as she is sexually attacked in a park off campus, and how she is told by the police a previous murder had taken place at the same location, hence forth her being 'Lucky' to be alive.
When stating her reasons for writing this novel Sebold said "I wrote it is because tons of people have had similar stories, not exactly the same but similar, and I want the word 'rape' to be used easily in conversation. My desire would be that somehow my writing would take a little bit of the taboo or the weirdness of using that word away. No one's work is going to accomplish the years of work that need to be done, but it can help." 
However, in my personal opinion 'Lucky' just didn't do justice to the horrific act of rape to comfort any victim. Although I found the first Chapter enthralling (the original description of the attack itself) the remainder of the book continuously repeated back to the original act as she told person after person the horror that she had suffered. This makes the story incredibly difficult and tiring to stick with, and only seems to perk up when a further rape appears further in the story.
Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't even imagine how damaging rape must be on an individual, but Sebold's attempt to rebuild herself seems fixated on her physical well being rather than her mental and in my opinion only expressed one sentence of motivation for any reader. "You save yourself or you remain unsaved."
It also appeared that she remained naive and immature after her ordeal numerously switching from crushes and boyfriends, and almost ditching friends who had helped her through the initial event. In the 'Aftermath' that follows Sebold's life she still seems unstable and destructive, a quality I don't think is at all inspiring or interesting to read.
Sebold attempts to portray anger through her assignments in poetry but fails to use any emotion in her literature, which on such a sensitive subject I expected much more depth and feeling. Combined with her basic use of description and a unorganized diary of events (focusing too much on insignificant details) I was relieved to finish, rather than sad to see it end.

Don't get me wrong 'Lucky' is an easy read and does touch on some very difficult issues but in my opinion not very successfully. I'm not entirely sure if I found this book such a failure simply due to that fact that I probably expected more from a best selling author (The Lovely Bones) yet I would recommend this to anyone who hasn't experienced a touching autobiographical novel. It doesn't even compare to some of the stories I've read but it makes a good starting point to anyone whose not used to a bit of violence entangled in reality.

Next: Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road.

A Sunny time with Friends.

It feels as though I haven't written on here in forever, simply due to the fact I managed to offer myself a holiday without a defined ending and documented all that is quintessentially British on my Olympus Film camera.

It all began with Nick in Chelmsford, his home town. An exhausting 3 hours from Cheltenham, I trained my way there with a suitcase big enough to live in, a toaster and a fairy cake. I'm not one whose found of public transport. I love trains, but I hate noisy passengers as I feel it should be my few hours of completely tranquil nothingness. However, Chelmsford, just like Nicks family was lovely, In particular the short 5 minute drive from his house to Writtle, a quaint village complete with duck pond, beautiful church and cosy coffee shop.

We stayed till Monday morning after having a garden dinner at his Dads (where I happened to drink far to much Pimms and dance in the garden with his Dad's Dog Charlie) before continuing to the Big smoke.

It was wonderful to be back in London again, and even more exciting to help Nick and my two great friends Annie and Laura move into their new Stamford Hill Maisonette (which is just darling by the way.)
Due to my open ticket of residence I managed stay much longer than I even intended and managed to do a fair few washes of underwear to carry me through the days but It was a wonderful week of rather British outings and activities.
Stamford hill is a lovely area in North east London just off from Seven Sisters. It's very largely a Jewish community and appears to be nicely maintained and homes a variety of unique characters. The greatest part of it though is it's ten minute walking distance to Stoke Newington's Church street. If you haven't ever visited I couldn't recommend it enough. Bustling with dainty coffee shops and pubs, its oozing a relaxing and chic atmosphere and is home to Hackney's first nature reserve, a maze of gravestones and wild foliage.
In the beauty that was the weather last week, we lunched on meats, bread and cheese's in the garden and homed their first ever residential BBQ, which was a lovely success.

My friend Annie, although sometimes I think she's a complete nutcase, is the most patriotic person I've ever met and I am truly thankful for that. When anything celebrating Britain is happening, she basically explodes in excitement, and although we laugh at her for it, when she drags us along were always thankful she did. So, last week I was lucky enough to watch the Olympic parade and wasn't it a corker! Although it was nice to see some great athletes I was more impressed with the British spirit as strangers chatted and laughed and the stairs of St Paul's gradually filled until people were standing on street light and waving in celebration.

Laura and Myself continued the day in great British style... Shopping and A cup of TEA.
It was my first time and as a big lover of tea I thought it was charming. TEA is a lovely little tea shop (Obvious, I know) opposite St Paul's cathedral offering huge varieties of teas and cakes. It is most definitely worth a visit if your in that area.
So my English holiday concludes, and now I'm back to the n'ham looking back of photographs for the two weeks we had undisturbed great weather in England where I had great food, great locations and most importantly great company.

Thanks for having me Guys.

Fancy a Rainy day out?

When British, although I admit were famous for our sarcasm and regular moaning, one of our best asset's is our acceptance of rain... well occasionally. I've always been brought up with the saying 'Save your pennies for a rainy day' and this is why I bring this up because only once when attending Malvern Flea Market has it ever been hot and sunny for me.
So, as a tradition now in my family, we wrapped ourselves up early this morning and made our way down to see the wonders lurking in the barns of Three Counties Showgrounds.
It's a wonderful day out and perfect to pick up the occasional bargain. Filled with both the weird and the wonderful people flock to Malvern to sell and to buy an assorted range of wonderful things from the likes of furniture and fabrics to taxidermy and vintage comic books.
It's not very often I've brought anything, (my favourite buy being Albert, a mink scarf) but it's usually exceptionally busy and filled with unusally interesting things.

Book Review.

Before I went to Uni I was a total bookworm and used to read alot, so since I'm back I've decided to try and get back into the swing of things. If you know me well enough you'll know I've always dreamed of having my very own home library one day, stocked with all the books I've ever read so I continue to buy books I've borrowed years ago to be part of something I can hand down in generations. I've never really brought books new, enjoying the endless varieties on the cheap in charity shops so will be reviewing old books that I'm reading whether they have been recommend by friends or simply stumbled across.

When I was in London my boyfriend insisted I read the 'Kite runner', a novel by Khaled Hosseini. Most people I know couldn't stress more how much of an amazing book this was so I gave it ago. A story about a young boy called Amir from Kabul and His best friend, the son of his father's Hazara servant, Hassan. For weeks, I found it incredibly difficult to read and once hitting a rather graphical scene was completely turned off the book. Fortunately, Unfortunately for him, Nick was ill one day so I spent the day reading the Kite Runner and to my amazement was completely distraught when I finished. When I returned home, as a present Nick brought me Khaled Hosseini's second book 'A Thousand Splendid Suns'.

Broken into four parts, as I see it, this is a compelling love story focusing on two women and their search through violence, war, death and loneliness to find happiness and love.
Set also in Kabul, this story portrays a background of turmoil and war in Afghanistan and follows the history of the Taliban rising to power whilst narrating from the 1960s to 2003 the lives of Mariam and Laila, two Afghan women, and how their paths cross. It's a novel of great heroism and strength through times of desperation, starvation and failed escapes.
It is beautifully written and immensely gripping. Not only did I cry at the end but at many times throughout the book found myself to be frustrated and truly emotional as if part of the story myself. When it ended although I was relieved and satisfied, I was sad that it had finished yet left with the feeling that love and hardship could overcome any obstacle in life, and that we as human beings can with stand more than we could ever imagine.

If you haven't read this book, please do! And if you have a while ago, I would recommend reading it again.
A truly fantastic book.

Next... 'Lucky' by Alice Sebold.

How To: Make Homemade Bunting.

Although most of the British celebrations of 2012 are coming to a close I know the craze of bunting was a fad most people have forgotten about already. However, when bunting kicked off I decided to make my own and now I found myself here again making some for my boyfriend and best friends for their new house.

If your any good on a sewing machine it makes it all the lot easier, Though I always seem to mess them up so I choose to hand stitch and It's not as long or hard a process as you would imagine.

So to Begin...

You will need:

10-12 20cm X 20cm pieces of patterned fabrics.

10-20 20cm X 20cm pieces of calico material or white cotton material.

2-3 metre's of white ribbon or as I like to use Curtain lining.

1 Ruler

1 Pencil

Some large thick cardboard

Scissors

An assortment of Pins

Your choice of colour thread

A needle

And an iron...

To begin:

Firstly you need to decide the size of each flag and draw and cut out an isosceles triangle template of this onto the cardboard. Mine personally measures 18cms across by 23cms in length on either side. We will name this triangle A.

You also need to make another triangle that is about 2cm bigger all the way round, so my best advice is to copy your first and just measure 2cms out from each of the corners. This is Triangle B.

Next, make sure to iron out all of your fabrics to ensure you have equal sized flags. I got always buy my fabrics in bundles and its so easy to pick up a variety of different patterns at markets and online. I got mine form Mrs Muffet on Ebay and they were absolutely perfect for this type of thing. Then using Triangle A draw around each of your patterned materials, and cut out. Then copy with Triangle B on your white cotton material. This will be the backing to your flags. Luckily it doesn't matter how messy your lines and cutting is (As long as its not extreme) as this will be covered later.

Once you have a full set of both patterns and plain triangles you need to begin pinning. Pin down both sides and a few along the top to keep the fabrics in place. Ensure that each triangle has it's drawn on side facing outwards to ensure when turning then inside-out you have the cleanest edges. 

Once all have been pinned the sewing begins. Using a simple running stitch just sew down each edge insuring to keep the top open. Once again as long as your stitches are small and close together it doesn't matter how straight your stitching in... within reason.

 And finally turn inside out and cut off any remaining fabric that is left on top.

Next Iron again, and then you need to iron your fabric for the string in half length ways to ensure a clean edge. Measure this out and decide where each flag is going to be placed in the sequence, placing them between each side of the folded fabric. I did each of my flags 2 inches apart from each other.

Pin this all together and then using another running stitch sew down the edge of the string fabric ensuring each flag is comfortably sewn in.

And... Hey Presto! Your bunting is complete, ready to brighten up any room.

I Just hope Nick, Laura and Annie like it :)

The finished Product.

All finished! I did firstly knit it all and realise I didn't have enough wool to make it long enough so I had to take it all apart and re knit it but I'm really happy with it.