I have always been an extreme over-analyzer, whether its pulling apart a well written piece of literature or over thinking every insignificant event in my life, so when I hit rock bottom one lonely night in London I was ready to admit defeat.
Depression according to Collins Gem 'English Dictionary' is a 'mental state in which a person feels gloom and inadequacy', a feeling I'm sure many of us are familiar with. However understanding the severity of these emotions can be difficult and confusing. When I feel low, I feel more than inadequate, I am suffocating. Your mind becomes unclear and hazy whilst your means of escape become limited and to many people absurd.
Depression can be characterized by 'depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, feelings of guilt or low self-worth, disturbed sleep or appetite, low energy, and poor concentration.' (WHO). It is currently effecting around 121 million people worldwide and accounting for the loss of approximately 850,000 lifes yearly.
There are many triggers for depression from bereavement to changes in scenery or situations, yet a cause may not even be known.
Although I am much better now, and could in most ways say I'm happy, I am still unfamiliar with my original onset of why I became depressed and from time to time something triggers inside me and I am uncontrollably emotional. I realised that I focus and pick at myself for things other people don't (and most probably will never) see about me. My weight, looks,achievements, friendships and relationships are always at the forefront of my mind, taunting me.
I think I've always known these demons were there. From being at school, I know I always felt a need to fit in, yet was only happiest when I stood out. I remember beginning to get paranoid about my weight at 15 when the size 0 pandemic emerged, and oddly enough I remember thinking how beautiful and gracious they all looked. I only understand now that a life of great food and having happy children is what appeals most strongly to me. And lastly, I know I'm ready to admit now that as much as I enjoy the satisfaction of being alone, (this I am quite content with), I crave friendship and love and will always be jealous and regretful that I've never had one true best friend throughout my life.
When it triggers in me, it hits very suddenly. A comment, a word or a thought can set me off into emotional turmoil and I find it incredibly difficult to snap myself out of it. I feel a need to escape, to shut everyone out and to hide. Mostly, I feel lost. I realised when I left university, (Yes it was my cause of quitting) that the days I spent in my halls flat alone enabled me to begin to make sense of what I needed. As I once told me house mate 'I never feel good enough'. For what, I'll never be sure but I realised I only needed to show myself I was worth being here, noone else had ever thought such things.
Throughout my turmoil in London I knew there was always one person who would be able to understand and help me when I was in need, and she is my beautiful friend Evie. She gave me the best advice I would ever need, something I think is beneficial to anyone having a bad day. "I know you don't want to do anything right now, but the best thing you can do, is put on your favourite dress, and get out in the sunshine"
So since my return to Cheltenham, I created a plan to get back on track, only this time to become the person I desperately need to be.
By organising myself, (This was my Sort Out Life To do List) I know I'm getting back on track, slowly.
I don't have a job yet, but I'm applying like a trooper. I've managed to run eight and a half miles the other day, so that's quite on track.
I haven't quit smoking yet, although I haven't attempted to, but when that day comes, I don't imagine anyone would want to be near me! HA.
I threw out all my clothes, before I got a job so you can imagine how that went. No money+ No clothes= Naked and Poor. So right now I'm intending to rebuild my wardrobe using every money saving trick under my belt. And so begins my first challenge, until I find a job to find some truly wonderful deals and I intend to keep you updated with them. My first stop EBAY- The love of my life, (until recently, but that's a different story) and my wonderful buy's this week. Vintage Sandals (£3.29) and a Topshop stripey dress (£3.04)....
Its not hard hitting stuff. I know retail therapy is everyone's favourite kind of pick-me-up yet as I see it, we all need to take little steps before we can learn to run. Depression isn't something to be ashamed of and neither is starting over. I realised there's never a right time to admit defeat, and when it feels like it is, there's always help.
I hope my rant has given some people reassurance that I am still normal, (Or maybe the opposite, ha) and some days I need a little more patience and help. Depression is an everyday occurrence and there's always someone who will attempt to understand how you feel even if you don't. Being human means having a circus of emotions we don't always know how to deal with. Eventually, we'll learn, so don't give up just yet, and If you're feeling like I did, don't be scared to admit it.
Helpful Links- Numbers
Samaritans
www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90
Depression Alliance
www.depressionalliance.org
Sane
www.sane.org.uk
0845 767 8000
Papyrus
www.paptyrus-uk.org
0800 068 4141
No comments:
Post a Comment